Players

From the Weekly World News Archives, January 24th, 2026:

No shit, there I was, pinned down by a deadly hail of alien tentacles. It was actually just me and this one other guy out on that little-known island on the end of the Malta chain--you know the one, Filfla--where we were fighting the forces of evil Nazis. Frozen, not fresh, and recently thawed. It was hot that morning, but dry; the mad scientists' satellites had done their job well. There we were, with nothing between us except a secondhand copy of the Necronomicon and my Dutch Apple Newton—in its original case.

I'll bet there's one thing you didn't know about Dutch Apple Newtons-- in their original cases: they summon demons.

So where was I? Did I mention it was a dry heat? Oh, yeah. So we summoned ourselves a demon--see we used the Newton's computrons to accelerate the summoning from the Necronomicon and pointed the case opening away from us, so that the demon would know whom to eat. So, we summoned up that demon, jumped on, blasted those around us with hellfire, and rode him out of there before the nuke hit, and I'm here to tell you about it today.

That other guy I was with? Guy named James Bond? Aw, he's a wimp. I taught him everything he knows.