Every large organization, unit, army, or navy has a garbage dump: a department, division, or ship where all the malcontents, insubordinates, and incompetents are sent to get them out of the way. A place that barely functions, where the simplest things take forever, where slackers rule and dreams are crushed like bugs. This is the tale of one such ship in one such navy. Starfleet.

Set phasers on cringe for

Starship EDSEL

A Star Trek Satire With apologies to Gene Roddenberry

The Edsel is a destroyer, Edsel class (the only one), largely regarded as a failure in ship design. Somehow, serious flaws in architecture and engineering were not caught until the prototype ship was completed. From its launch, it has been plagued with mechanical and operational problems that have played havoc with its fitness and combat-readiness, to the point where it became the butt of jokes throughout Starfleet. Soon it had become a dumping ground for personnel who were considered too disruptive or incompetent for front-line service, but who had not done anything sufficiently egregious to warrant being discharged. About nine months ago, Starfleet contral command sent down an order to retire the embarrassing vessel, to the relief of all involved. But it was not to be. At the last moment, the High Council countermanded the directive: a political use had been found for the vessel. The Edsel's new five-year mission:

To stay in permanent parking orbit around the vacation planet of Atlantis; To deal with vapid and overbearing VIPs; To boldly give tours of an "Authentic Federation Starship"! This relegation to showpiece status, together with incompetence and apathy among the ship's crew, has caused the Edsel's fighting systems to fall into serious disrepair. What little military discipline the ship once had has largely dissolved in the face of prolonged inactivity and the banality of the ship's primary mission, such as it is. In the Edsel crew there are diligent workers; there are those who know how to do their jobs; and there are those you can get along with. But those are three fairly separate groups.

This is, however, still Starfleet, and subject to military law. Blatantly illegal activities can still get you caught, and there are worse places than the Edsel that criminals can look forward to. Take the Dirt Mines on Regulus V for example: the temperature approaches -40 degrees during the summer heat wave, and the dirt is so hard it has to be mined with explosives which claim the lives of several convict miners each month. And then there are the Snow Ghosts. And you're mining dirt. It's really great dirt, but still.

Come join the uproar as we portray a particularly bad day on the worst ship ever to grace Starfleet. You'll never have so much fun being doomed!